Just a Number
by NovemberMurray
Summary: Ahsoka discovers something about the clones and her Captain after returning from Tatooine that makes her see them in a new light. Set right after the SW:CW movie. (hinted Ahsoka/Rex)
Author's Note: Ok so…. this was a random idea, and now it's a one shot. I was thinking about when Ahsoka realized how old Rex and the other clones were and how the War affects them. I guess it kind of fits in with the rest of my AU series/head-cannon… sort of. Enjoy. –November

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 **They Say Age is Just a Number**

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Ahsoka swayed as she walked briskly through the maze of wide corridors on the Resolute, humming a popular tune to herself. Her head twisted back and forth as she inspected every sign and bulkhead. It was all new to her, and she was anxious to learn everything she could. She needed to prove she was ready to be a Padewan and leave the temple. Ahsoka had learned more in the 48 hours she had been Anakin Skywalker's Padewan than she could learn in a year at the Temple. They couldn't send her back after that. Life on Coruscant would be a thousand times more boring by comparison. Though she could do without the sand in her boots. Even after a shower and a change of clothes she still felt like Tatooine was ground into her skin. It felt gritty and real, which only excited the young Togruta more.

A familiar tenor in the Force drew her attention to a large door. The sign above it said: Training Room 51-B. _Could there really be 51 training rooms on the Resolute?_ She wondered as she opened the door and poked her head in. The room was dark, lit only by the permanent navigation lights. The shapes of exercise equipment in orderly rows across the large space made a jungle of bars and weights. A single figure in white armor and familiar blue markings was sitting on a bench just around the corner of the doorway. He held his helmet in his lap and leaned back, his head tilted up to rest on the metal wall behind him.

"Hey, Rex," Ahsoka chirped, and the man jumped violently at the sound. His head came down, and his eyes flew open. She bounded into the room, still talking.

"Want to show me the…" She trailed off and froze mid step when she saw the bright tracks of moisture on his cheeks flash in the light from the hallway. Ahsoka felt like she'd been doused in cold water. The feelings rolling off the clone Captain in the Force washed over her like waves and dragged her into the dark center of his presence. She felt suddenly small and cold, as if she were standing in a vast empty room, lost and alone. Loss was like a physical weight sitting in her chest, weighing her down to the spot until she didn't think she could stand or even lift her arms. For a moment she couldn't remember the feeling of security that filled her temple home, of being surrounded by the presences of her fellow Jedi like the warm bodies of friends huddled around her. She was just one small being, naked and shivering in the dark with out even a name to call out to for help or the hope of escape.

"Commander!" Rex croaked in a voice that cracked and he scrambled to raise his helmet, ducking his head until he could hide his face behind the t-shaped visor. Ahsoka's small hands shot out and held his own down. Rex stilled at her touch but didn't raise his head. He found himself looking down at the flashing glow of his HUD lighting up the inside of his helmet. Soft sounds of familiar voices distorted by the speakers and bouncing around inside the piece of high tech head gear filled the pregnant silence.

Ahsoka stared in awe at the upside down view she had of the screen behind the visor. Scenes of daylight and red rocky cliffs flashed within. She heard the screams and cries of pain, shouts of terror, wordless battle cries and vehement cursing all pouring mutedly from the helmet.

"What is that?" She asked Rex and heard him swallow before he spoke.

"It's a battle recording, Commander."

"A… recording? Of the battle?"

"The helmets record comm chatter and our POV cameras. We analyze the data after each battle to better our SOP and provide accurate reports." Rex answered in a monotone speech that sounded worn with repetition. The faint echoes of a terrified scream that trailed off in a wet death rattle whispered from the helmet as he spoke. A short sharp scream crackled over the speakers a second later, and Rex flinched involuntarily.

"You can hear them…?"

Rex fumbled quickly for the shut down switch just inside the chin guard. Immediately the lights went out and the speakers were silenced Rex cleared his throat and licked his lips nervously. Ahsoka looked up at him, but he refused to meet her gaze. Standing above him for the first time, she thought he looked younger. Even in the Force, he felt younger. There was a childlike simplicity about his grief. His emotions consumed him completely, without any sense of assurance that developed with age.

Ahsoka reacted on instinct, reaching out mentally and physically. She wrapped her arms around the Captain's shoulders. She leaned in and hugged him awkwardly from where she stood, crouched at his knees. In the Force she wrapped him in the sense of safety and serenity of the Jedi Temple. For a moment he tensed and leaned away from her, surprised and unsure how to respond to her sudden closeness.

 _Why is she doing this?_ He thought. But as soon as she let go and pulled away, he wished she had stayed longer. The urge to hold her hit him too late and left him with a painful yearning he was unprepared for. It was a strange, new kind of itch. He felt a nervousness so close to fear that it made his hands tremble. Rex gripped his helmet tighter to still his shaking and stared back blankly at his Commander, his lips parted slightly. Ahsoka forced a sad smile, one hand still lingering on the soldier's pauldron.

"I'm sorry, Rex," she said. "I can't imagine how hard that is."

"Thank you, Commander," he responded hoarsely, barely thinking about the words. She dropped her gaze and slowly backed away.

"I'm sorry for barging in like that. I guess… you want to be alone."

 _No!_ He thought immediately. But that wouldn't be appropriate. _I can't show her anymore of my weakness than I already have. How could she have faith in me afterward? She's so young. She'll see what war really is soon enough._ But he found himself protectively trying to shelter her from the worst of it.

"Yes, Commander," He swallowed and said.

Ahsoka nodded, shuffled softly to the doorway, and, with one look over her shoulder, left the training room. The door shut in her wake, plunging him back into darkness.

Rex gasped a deep breath and tears tumbled, finally released, from his eyes. His helmet slipped from his hands and bounced with a hollow thud onto the decking. He covered his mouth in a half hearted attempt to muffle the sounds of his grieving and bent over his knees. He cried for all the brothers he had lost, for all his brothers who were in pain, who were going to die tomorrow and the days after, and he cried for himself, because he faced that death too. He cried because he was afraid of death and pain, but more afraid of failure. He cried because he didn't understand how one embrace could break every wall he had build in his mind and shatter every shackle of control he had forged for his emotions. He cried because he didn't know what to do with the nervous excitement in his chest or the terrified yearning that was telling him to follow the young Togruta and wrap his arms around her, block her from the world, hold her tight and never let go. Rex cried because he was a child thrown into an adult's war and into a world richer and more terrifying than he had ever imagined.

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Ahsoka wrung her hands as she walked briskly through the maze of wide corridors on the Resolute, frowning. She followed her senses, seeking out the person she hoped could give her answers. The Force led her to a door on a smaller corridor near the center of the ship. She paused for a moment then pressed the controls and entered.

"Master Kenobi," she said, questioningly. Obi-Wan looked up with a pleasant surprise from the hollo chart floating above the conference table. He hadn't hoped for an interruption from his regrettably necessary planning session.

"Yes, young one… excuse me, Padewan," he corrected himself with a crooked smile. Ahsoka's frown didn't even twitch and her furrowed brow stayed tightly knitted over her large eyes. "You are troubled. What can I do for you?"

"I had a question about the clones."

"Yes?"

"How… how old are they?" She was clearly scared he would think it was a silly question. Obi-Wan's expression of patient indulgence calmed her, so she went on. "They don't feel quite like other human's in the Force. I sense that they are all individuals, but…. When I met Captain Rex he seemed… older, focused and sure. But I saw him a moment ago and it was… it was like he had suddenly gotten younger. In the Force he felt… not childish but… innocent and unexperienced."

"Very astute, young Padewan," Obi-Wan said, nodding and smiling at her with evident pride. "You're right. The Clones are not exactly like other humans. They have been genetically engineered by the Kaminoan cloners to age rapidly, twice as fast as a normal human. The first generation clones are about twelve years old now. Most of the clones you've met are probably closer to eleven."

"Really? That's…" she fumbled for words. It was dizzying to think that all those men were three or four years younger than she was. The younglings three years behind her in the academy were laughably immature. She felt like there was a gulf between her and them. It was hard to equate that to one of the strong, composed soldiers she had fought beside, much less to the Clone Captain who had instructed her and never shown fear or doubt—at least on the battlefield. The person she had felt in the training room though had not been that Captain. He had been very afraid and confused about what to believe, what to trust. Without her sight she would have believed that person was a child much younger than eleven or twelve.

"I know it is confusing now," Obi-Wan said reassuringly. "You will understand the longer you work with the clones. They grow up like you or I, just at a different rate and progression. Don't worry yourself about it. You have your studies to focus on." He turned back to his hollo chart, his expression slackening to serious contemplation.

"Thank you, Master Kenobi," Ahsoka said, sensing that the conversation was over. She left the conference room still feeling unsure and confused about how working with the clones longer could explain anything. She ambled down the hallways, retracing her steps to find her own quarters.

Ahsoka passed a group of clones marching in step with each other in the opposite direction. She slowed as they approached and let her senses spread out from her body to feel them in the Force. Each was different, like different voices singing the same song. With only a gentle brush they felt almost like other humans. They bristled with complex and widely varying emotions. Knowledge had it's own feel and it filled the clones more than most people. She looked deeper, past the surface layer, and found the same person she had sensed in Rex. There was primal instinctual fear of the unknown and of pain, unquestioning childlike assurance of their reality, and grief so deep it was an irrevocable part of each of them. Every emotion was too simple and absolute to belong to an adult.

The clones saluted her in one unison motion as she passed. Ahsoka fought to keep her face blank. It was one thing to have Master Kenobi tell her that the Clones were merely eleven and another to _feel_ it. She realized there was a lot more for her to learn than just ship-layouts and protocols. She was very, very far from Coruscant and she felt it acutely.

Ahsoka let herself into her own room and crawled up onto her bunk. She pulled her knees to her chest and hugged them. She scrambled to find the memory of safety and security that she had tried to wrap around her mourning Captain. She pictured herself in the Temple, in her favorite training room. The tall pillars that supported the ceiling rose around her in her mind and she tried to feel the warmth of the sun streaming down on her. All she felt was the numb coldness of space, leaching away the heat from her skin. The Force around her was still and empty without the presences of her fellow Jedi. She was alone.

Ahsoka wished she had stayed with Rex whether he wanted her there or not. She didn't dare go back to Obi-Wan and didn't even think of searching out Anakin. She couldn't admit to either of them what she was feeling. _They wouldn't understand,_ she thought, _and they'd probably think I'm being childish. I don't want to give them another reason to send me back._ But at that moment, going back to the Temple as a youngling again wasn't as terrible as it had seemed half an hour ago.

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Author's Note: Why can I never write anything happy?! Oh right... that's boring. *pout* If you love angst as much as I do favorite, review... or follow though I don't know why you would. If you're a RexAhsoka fan you can check out my longer stories on my author's page for more angstly romance. -Ember


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